This requires a bit of set up but is totally worth it in the end, trust me.

I got a first contact from a guy on a dating website, this is what he said;

Jul. 26, 2010 – 1:19pm
U take the time to look at my profile, but no message?
Yeah I know it must sound kinda boring. Buy I would much rather explain ,what’s going on than, how honest, trustworthy, intelligent,hard working,how fucking awesome I am, etc. Etc.
And coming off sounding conceded.

It’s much better to leave the mystery to the person, who willing to meet me for a dinner and drinks. To come to their own concussion themselves.
Therefore if u get what I am trying to say. And accept. The simply reply with a yes or a (fuck off) no,would be just fine.
Good afternoon beautiful.”

This is his profile cut and pasted below and unedited.

Well after getting laid off a couple of years ago after Having a great career of 4 years, I decided not to take life so seriously. Because it could all be taken from you in a instant. So Im enjoying my simple life for now. Taking care my kids,pay my bills,eating right, hitting the gym. You know taking care of business, doing somethings that were not possible before, because I was so consumed by my work. Living as stress free as possible. Because all that hard work that I had done before, was all for nothing in the end, so never again.
What I’m doing with my life
At the time being, I am currently a bartender,I was in the process of receiving my masters in massage therapy. when i was in a serious car accident, being hit by a semi truck in west Dallas. so i had to put it on hold and focus more on my health and my body back to 100%.With almost a year of physical therapy, and three cordozone epidurals injections, its been a long hard road. but im making it and with the trucking company at fault, i think I’m going to be just fine. In the meantime, I stick to my therapy,keep good eating habits and with working out. And if I want finish massage therapy, I can or do something a little more exciting. Most of my family is military. And I have been giving a lot of thought to joining the navy divers program in San Diego. So many benefits, and I get to pick where I want to live every three years. My brother loves it. I hear great feedback all the time. But I still have time to decide, I’m in no rush. Because I’m enjoying my simple life for now.
I’m really good at
Massage therapy/Auto mechanics/Cooking/Bartending/Electronics/Drawing/Using my imagination/Working out/Healthy living/Being a Good friend

The first things people usually notice about me

My eyes and my sarcastic humor, its so dry, u cant tell if im joking or not. it confuses people.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Radiohead, coldplay, muse, asher roth, Death cab for cutie, modest mouse, gary jules, Massive attack, Kodoma, Beck, Gorillaz,break of reality, Elliot smith, Benji Hudges, The Verve, basiclly just chill music, i work in a bar, and i hear alot of hip-hop and rock, im over it.

Sushi,Hbachi on my cheat day. but i only eat certain foods low in fat, and whole grain carbs. whole grain wheat rice, chicken, steamed vegis. oh yeah dont forget the Rotell.

Show i enjoy, Dexter, Californication ,Weeds, movies that keep u guessing, or at least not so predictable, boring!! and to many movies to list, because i have seen just about every movie know to man, and every person has a different opinion about movies. but being and artist myself i look for the artist value of the movie, but there are a lot of really lame ones out there.
The six things I could never do without
tooth brush, razors, soap,my tools,the right to be free.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The future, and how everyday i do something different to change it for me and my children.
You should message me if
You like to laugh to a little sarcasm with a big Heart. Lifes to short to be serious all the time, have fun with it.

And this is my response

In the interest of giving you the answer you’re seeking so desperately I’ll go back over your e-mail and tell you exactly why I’m not interested. At the same time I’ll go through and point out a few errors in your message to me so that you can change your future communications and perhaps get a more favorable response from ladies on this site.

“U take the time to look at my profile, but no message?” Generally when you’re introducing yourself to someone through text you should use the whole word. It’s only two extra letters and most ladies would like to feel as though they’re worth the effort of an extra few keystrokes. I would also suggest that you use full and complete ideas to express yourself more clearly. A better line might read “I noticed that you took the time to look at my profile but that you never sent me a message afterward.”

“Yeah I know it must sound kinda boring. Buy I would much rather explain ,what’s going on than,…”

I’m only going to briefly gloss over punctuation by saying that spaces come after a comma and not before; I don’t want to get too bogged down with the small details when the larger points so obviously escape you. I will also note that spell check is your friend and most internet browsers (Internet Explorer and Firefox) offer spell checking within the browser itself and will put a red squiggly line beneath any errors as you type them. These are not merely festive decorations to amuse you as you write.

“how honest, trustworthy, intelligent,hard working,how fucking awesome I am, etc. Etc.
And coming off sounding conceded”

Again, my own punctuation can be shaky at times so I’m not 100% qualified to judge however, even I’m aware that a period gets *two* *whole* *spaces* after it. Don’t skimp, they’re free.

The word that you used was conceded but I think that you meant conceited.

con•cede [kuhn-seed] verb, -ced•ed, -ced•ing.
–verb (used with object)
1. to acknowledge as true, just, or proper; admit: He finally conceded that she was right.
2. to acknowledge (an opponent’s victory, score, etc.) before it is officially established: to concede an election before all the votes are counted.
3. to grant as a right or privilege; yield: to concede a longer vacation for all employees.
–verb (used without object)
4. to make concession; yield; admit: She was so persistent that I conceded at last.

con•ceit•ed [kuhn-see-tid]
1. having an excessively favorable opinion of one’s abilities, appearance, etc.

The two are very different… Here, I’ll show you by using them… “Even though I would like to believe otherwise I eventually conceded that he was indeed an idiot because of his inability to use proper grammar and punctuation.” or “He was conceited because he believed that just because someone viewed his profile; he was owed a response.”

It’s much better to leave the mystery to the person, who willing to meet me for a dinner and drinks. To come to their own concussion themselves.”

Again with the fragments, I can barely grasp what it is that you’re trying to say to me here. Though because of your usage of the word “concussion” I get the vague impression that you may be threatening me because that word does not mean what you think it means.

con•cus•sion [kuhn-kuhsh-uhn]
1. Pathology . injury to the brain or spinal cord due to jarring from a blow, fall, or the like.
2. shock caused by the impact of a collision, blow, etc.
3. the act of violently shaking or jarring.

This is the word that you used but I’ll just jump to the *conclusion* that you’re misusing the word concussion and instead meant something else entirely. You’re right, I’m entirely able to jump to my own concussions and don’t need your help for that at all. In fact, I’ve decided after much thought that I don’t really want a concussion but thank you anyway for the offer. I’d accept your kind offering but I’m afraid that it may cause me to write like you and that doesn’t look like much fun. In fact, could you perhaps have sustained a concussion in this accident you speak of on your profile? I ask purely for my own personal edification of course….

Now, on to your profile…

I’m no expert but you state in the What I’m doing with my life section “At the time being, I am currently a bartender,I was in the process of receiving my masters in massage therapy.” One, I was unaware that you could receive a masters in massage therapy. Two, tending bar is a very strenuous job that requires a lot of back movement so I find it difficult to believe your comments about your injury, especially since you’re so willing to lie about your educational goals. Three, the Masters is generally offered at the post graduate level and in order to reach that point you need to be well written and articulate. Four, most times the military will not take you if you have had a serious injury in the past. They’re making a sizable investment in each and every person that they train and to them it’s a cost benefit analysis, if they can’t get their money back out of you then they’re not likely to make the investment. You may want to start rethinking your military career now.

“I spend a lot of time thinking about
The future, and how everyday i do something different to change it for me and my children.”

Could you please start by learning how to write intelligently and perhaps you could later move on to not using a word unless you know what it means. While I have said that spell check is your friend, just because it suggests a correction does not mean that the word it is suggesting is the word that you want to use.

Now that all of this has been said I will tell you that the only reason I viewed your profile at all was because the random match feature on this site dropped me directly on your profile. When you noticed that I had viewed your profile and yet not contacted you perhaps you should have taken that to read that I was not interested in you for some reason and moved along to someone else. Yes, your photos show you as being a good looking man but honey, that only gets you just so far and if I have my choice between the two I will take the less attractive but more intelligent man over the great looking idiot.

Is that enough of a (fuck off) for you?


Research is often the key to success and internet dating isn’t much different so when I embarked on my journey through sites that promise to pair you with your ideal mate via their on-line dating system I went and asked my guy friends what they hated and loved in a potential date’s profile. 

 First of all, use your real and recent photos.  I can not stress this one enough ladies!  Sure, it would seem like common sense that a 33 year old woman wouldn’t use photos from her high school graduation but this is pretty high up on the list of complaints that I’ve heard from guy friends.  They spend a week or two getting to know a woman on-line and then when it comes time to meet, the girl that shows up is not the girl in the photos.  Imagine their quite justified disappointment, E-bay girlfriend – Not as advertised.  It’s called a bait and switch and it’s against the law for retailers to do it so why would it be okay with dating?  I’ve heard a myriad of excuses spouted off as to why women do this but none of them are acceptable in my book, it may seem shallow but physical attraction is an important part in a relationship.  Aside from that, do you really think that the best way to introduce yourself to someone; is with a lie?  This shouldn’t have to be said but also don’t use photos of your friends instead of photos of yourself, sure maybe they’re better looking in your mind but no matter what you look like there is a guy out there who will see you and you’re exactly what he’s on that site to find.  Sure, the real you won’t get as many replies as those photos of the Penthouse Pet that you put up but you also won’t have to deal with the embarrassment and rejection when your date gives you that shocked, disappointed look and then high-tails it out of the club.  Another thing that I should mention is that while you may be proud that you were once a perfect size zero with flawless blonde hair and a dark tan; if this has changed, so should your photos.  If you’ve gained weight, dyed your hair or changed something major about yourself then you should update your photos accordingly.  Mary-Kate and Ashley were once adorable little three year old girls, but I’m sure if you looked, that’s not what they’re using in their modeling portfolio now.

 Use at least one full body shot, boobs only shots are the equivalent to the men whose profile photos were taken shirtless in front of a bathroom mirror.  Don’t be “that girl. The clea

Don't do this to your potential dates

vage goes where I go, I spent a lot of money on my breasts and they go where I go, they’re part of the whole package and I would prefer that a man be more interested in the contents of my head than the contents of my bra.  The message you’re sending with photos like this is “I have nothing else going for me other than the fact that I wear a 34-DD.”  Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with showing off a little skin but they should be seeing all of you, not just a solo performance of ‘the twins’.  A profile full of face only shots gives men the impression that you’re trying to hide a lot of weight, it’s not the proportions that scare them in this, often it’s the lack of honesty.  You may get fewer responses but the messages that you do get will be from men who are interested in dating you.

 Put some effort into your profile.  This is how people will get to know you, photos are just window dressing and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ignored a message from a really good looking guy because he didn’t have anything in his profile.  Talk about favorite movies, books you loved, people you’d love to meet or a funny thing that happened to you a month or two ago.  This lets people get a feel for who you are and how you look at the world, remember internet dating is not like kindergarten Valentines, the point is not to collect as many hearts as possible but to cultivate an interest from people who will treat you well.  You’ve got a much better chance of finding someone who is truly interested in you personally if you give them a feel of how you interact with the world.

 Stay positive.  The internet dating profile is not your vanity blog, nor should you treat is as though it’s an outlet for ugly or passive aggressive ranting.  This is one of the most unattractive things that a woman can do to herself on-line.  Remember, text and photos are the only medium that these men have to judge you on, make sure that the impression you’re giving them is of the positive, charming and witty Alpha Chick that you are 90% of the time; not the catty bitch you can be when people p@ss you off.  Part of staying positive is also the awareness that it can take a lot of time and effort to find the right one and until then it is okay to enjoy dating all the wrong ones.  Look at each bad date or failed relationship as a learning experience; you’ve learned more about what you want and what you just won’t tolerate in your life.  You may not have enjoyed learning that lesson but do not doubt its worth… and you’ve gotten free drinks and dinner out of it in the meantime.  When I run into a profile that’s full of “I hate this site, I hate all women and all females just want to use me.” I move along, it’s my belief that people tend to display 75% of their baggage in a profile.  If a man has that much anger towards women when he’s trying to sell you on the idea of himself then how much aggression am I going to be dealing with when the relationship is a year old and he feels like I’m not going to leave?

The internet has changed the way we date and while you’ll read a lot of articles about how our generation has changed dating from a personal love connection into a sort of fast food or buffet of sexual frenzy, I have to say that with my own personal experiences, this isn’t necessarily true and even if it is, it doesn’t have to be the case every time.

 Face it, times change and to deny that the internet is the way future generations will find their mates would be ignorant.  It’s an incredibly useful tool for the smart Alpha Chick who knows enough to use it to her advantage.  There’s a comprehensive manual in the works right now but I thought that I would take the time to write about a few of the useful tricks that are just a few keystrokes away.  Some of these may seem a bit over the top but please keep in mind that I’m not suggesting that every woman use each and every trick on every potential date, it’s just a little extra information that will keep you safe, sane and in the driver’s seat.

 It’s not stalking, it’s market research.  Before you make any big ticket investment like a car, television or new computer, smart consumers know that they should do a Google search and see what pops up.  You’re looking for a list of common defects, hazards, buyer rating, was the average person happy with their purchase, etc.; why would dating a new man be any less of an investment than a new car or television?  The answer is, it’s not, I have horror stories beyond number of women who got into bad relationships with guys because they failed to exercise due diligence.  A bad relationship decision can haunt your for weeks, months and potentially the rest of your life.  Don’t be afraid to protect yourself!  I always suggest that you look into sites like and, If you’re a normal person these sights are a frightening mixture of creepy and scary but remember I’m not saying you should stalk him and crawl through his doggy door, what I am suggesting is that ladies look into the background of a gentleman before they get involved. You don’t want to find out four years into the relationship that he’s a con artist who is habitually one step ahead of the law and the internet is rife with stories written by women whose first line is “If I had only known, I would have stayed away from him.”

 Social Networking, it’s your friend.  Almost everyone I know has some form of social networking, if your potential beau is an internet phantom, there’s probably something going on.  Don’t jump ship if he claims he doesn’t have a Twitter account, some people really don’t care to keep up with vanity pages, but you should make sure that the reason he won’t ‘friend’ you on Facebook isn’t because he’s afraid his wife will find out.  There are also certain forms of social networking that are practically mandatory, the first one that springs to mind is  If every guy at a bar that told me he was a Navy Seal about to deploy was actually even in the military, our country would go broke trying to pay their wages.  If he’s just trying to get you in the sack, ignore it and ignore him but if you’re like their to be a second date why not take a few seconds and look his name up on the database.  I’m not military but I’ve heard from friends who are, if he’s ever even applied to one of the branches of the United States military, he will be listed here on this site.  I’ve tested it by running the names of friends through it and I haven’t had it come up wrong yet.  It gives their name and pay grade, most civilian women might need a friend in the know to translate the military jargon for them but it’s absolutely a great tool.

 Don’t take the “It can’t happen to me attitude.”  Because it can, but you’ve got an edge; most court cases, marriage certificates and warrants are listed on a state, city or county public database.  You’ll have to access a search engine like and do a little bit of digging but more often than not your area has a list of people who have warrants, sexual offenders, con-artists and marriage certificates all available for free on-line.  If you’re starting to get that weird feeling that maybe he’s married, don’t be afraid to look up his name to see if anything pops up.  If you can’t find his name on any search engine then start trying to find a way to sneak a peek at his driver’s license.  I had a guy friend who dated a girl who stole his identity and ran up over 30,000 in debt, he later discovered that the name she had given him wasn’t even her real name, it was the name of the sister of one of her last boyfriends.  She was a pro and he got taken but had he done just a little bit of digging before she practically moved in, he could have saved himself a lot of time and agony.

 Now that the various warnings and alarms are taken care of I can say that internet dating is a great way to get to know someone before you meet them in person.  My own experiences with sites like and OKCupid tell me that there are certain things I look for in a man’s profile.  Some things tell me he’s just not for me and others tell me that we’d get along like a house on fire.  These are different for each person but I’ve listed a few general guidelines below.

 Religion.  Think about it, if you’re a recovering Catholic who only goes to church when you’re a bridesmaid, it’s going to get pretty tedious when he expects you to wake up at 8:00 am every Sunday to go talk to God. 

 Pets, if he’s a snake person but you go into hysterics any time the nature show runs reptile week, you may want to take a pass.  You can’t expect someone to get rid of their beloved pet because they’re dating you, if you find a guy willing to do it, keep in mind that when he meets another girl he may be just as willing to kick you to the curb.

 Photos.  If the only photos in his dating profile are of him shirtless in front of a mirror accompanied only by his iPhone you may want to ask yourself “Where are his friends?”  Friends, we all have them and these days they all have cameras, there’s absolutely no reason that he shouldn’t have collected at least an image or two of him doing interesting things with fabulous people.

 Kids.  Don’t fool yourself, a guy with kids equals a guy with baggage; it could be a small carry on suitcase or it could be an entire Amtrak train car.  While some women are all for the ready made family and manage to have great relationships with the ex-wife and the kids from a previous marriage, this is usually the exception and not the rule.  You need to prepare yourself for everything that goes along part and parcel with dating a man with children.  You’ll have to deal with and be respectful to his ex-wife, having been married it’s possible that he’s been burned enough and he may never want to go down that road again, and last but not least if the relationship becomes something long term you do have a certain level of obligation to help him with the kids.  I’m not saying there aren’t some real catches that have ex-wives and kids, I’m just pointing out that you need to be realistic about if it’s something you’re ready for or not.

 Copious amounts of bar photos.  There’s a reason I don’t go to nightclubs to meet men anymore and that’s because I realized that the men I was meeting were all party boys, players and drinkers.  If you go to a library and meet a guy the chances are, he likes to read, if you go to a church to meet a guy, the chances are he’s got a good amount of religion, if you go to a bar to meet a man, don’t have the nerve to be shocked when he’s there more often than you’d enjoy.  Does this mean that every guy you meet in a bar has a drinking problem?  No, of course not… but a lot of photos of him in a club joking around with the boys may indicate that he’s just not ready to give up being the life of the party.

 Guys who say that they want a girl who can be honest.  What is this sh@t?  Every time I read this in a profile it makes me want to vomit a rainbow and send them a reply that says “Gee, you were really wonderful until I read the part about how you wanted honesty in your relationships.  You see, I can’t really do that because what I’m looking for is a guy who will lie to me and cheat endlessly.  Good luck in your search though.”  Some philosophers believe that the only way to have a functional society is to be able to make the assumption that the person speaking to you is telling the truth.  It’s sort of a given that you want someone who will be upfront and honest with you and anyone who feels the need to state something so obvious in their list of wants is someone of whom I’ve learned to be suspicious.  Usually this is guy-speak for, I want to be able to lie through my perfect white teeth and I want you to be honest with me because that makes it easy for me to remember what lies I’ve told you.

The Bachelor and the Bachelorette have become the favorite TV show of millions of single women hoping for that fairytale relationship where Prince Charming will ride up on a horse and whisk you away to a castle, with a platinum wedding and their claim to fame.  Theres got to be a lot of pressure on a relationship that is growing and blooming in the public eye.

But as wonderful, charming and magical as it all may look on TV- tonight’s two hour Bachelorette Episode has got millions of viewers tune in NOT to see who this episodes bachelorette will pick to visit their hometowns, but to see the tabloid drama unfold between Jake and Vienna.  Why?  Why does drama bring in more ratings than romance?  Do we females thrive on the drama?  Do we live for it?  Are we happy to see that the most beautiful people in the world have relationship problems too?  Or does “misery love company?”

Part of me likes to think that tonight’s episode of the Bachelorette is sort of a reality to the fact that the Bachelor/bachelorette, are really only putting their best foot forward to win a game on the show- and in reality, some of the world’s most externally beautiful people are really nasty, horrible and very ugly on the inside.  I’d be super nice, and super charming if I had video cameras following me around.  I think the breakup rate is just as high as the marriage rate on that show…  and tabloids and ABC are making a fortune off of it!

Ladies – let me know what you think… If you are an avid watcher – I’d like to know what you think – and who you believe… Jake or Vienna- and why we love drama and breakups more than romance?

-the alpha chick

After a morning day at my pool, a run with my dogs, making some delicious sangria to soak and chill over night for a bbq tomorrow, I finally sat down on the couch and flipped on the tv to see one of my favorite “Alpha Chick” movies.  It came out back in 2002, The Sweetest Thing, stars Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate, and Selma Blair- all 3 of who I love!  Its a movie about three girls, best friends, wing women, and their dating troubles.  It actually reminds me of my younger years and how crazy I used to be with my girlfriends.  Its a really cute movie about girls being girls, that every girl can relate to.   Its on cable right now, but if you get the chance I highly recommend the R-rated version where they sing the song “Too Big to Fit in Here.”  lol don’t worry – its not a musical, just 3 total alpha chicks and all the troubles of dating, chasing men, and playing the game.  Its cute, its funny, and worth watching.  Reminds me how invaluable my girlfriends are!

– Happy 4th!

The Alpha Chick

Use The Dreaded Friend Zone. My quick tip of the day is something that I found on accident but there is nothing more infuriating to a man than to be stuck in that dull no-man’s-land of platonic friendship with a woman.  I came to this realization through a fight with a man I was dating; in the middle of a heated argument he yelled “Well, all your guy friends are only your friends because they want to sleep with you!!”  At first his comment worked as he had planned and I was incredibly offended; wasn’t he essentially saying that I had no redeeming qualities whatsoever other than the fact that I might potentially, in a moment of weakness, sleep with one of them???  Upon further reflection I realized that I had been using the friend zone technique for most of my life and just not realizing it.  This can be one of the most powerful tools in an Alpha Chick’s war chest and here’s why;

On some level what my ex-boyfriend said is true, all your guy friends only started talking to you because of an initial physical attraction.  This does not mean that’s why they are currently your friends; it’s just that men are very primal creatures and sex is usually one of the top three things on their mind when they meet an attractive female.  Men don’t often want women as friends, they don’t understand us and we’re a lot of trouble for them to handle on a day to day basis.  Chances are if a guy has approached you it’s because there’s something about you that he finds appealing and on some level, he is interested. At this point you’re probably looking at all your male friends saying; “No, not my guy friend *insert name here*, he’s not like that at all.”  Yes, yes he is… At one point he was interested in you and by now he has realized your fantastic qualities as a person and probably truly enjoys you but at one point his intent was to be more than just friends. He came in the door because of attraction but stays because of your personality. Don’t be afraid to use this because I’ve seen men do the emotional equivalent of tying themselves in knots just to try and jump the ladder back into the love interest zone.  The friend zone ploy is brilliant, sneaky and because men make it that way; oh, so easy.  To a man, being put in friend zone is like saying he’s the proverbial ‘good guy’; he’s the cuddly teddy bear of men.  Sure, he’s good for lifting heavy things and carrying bags when you’re shopping with him but, you’ll never look at him with lust in your eye.

We all remember the cartoon character Jessica Rabbit, right?  She projects an aura of rawest sexuality but, “She’s not bad, she’s just drawn that way.” Keep her in mind for a moment while I say that men have become accustomed to not understanding the signals women send out and because of today’s politically correct society, they won’t generally make a move until they’re certain you’re interested.  Use this against them, you’re not flirting with them, you’re just naturally that nice to everyone, he’s not special, you’re just that holy grail of women, you’re the sexy, nice girl.

She not bad, she's just drawn that way and she's definately an Alpha Chick.

She not bad, she's just drawn that way and she's definately an Alpha Chick.

All this is well and fine you say but how do I tell a guy that he’s in danger of being just one of the girls?  I generally show him that I find him completely and totally non-threatening, if he comes over, I’m comfortably dressed.  The key here is that most men have no clue how much work we put into our hair and make-up every day; you can use subtle things like mascara, eyeliner and lip gloss and still look fabulous without looking like you went out of your way to look pretty just for him.  He’ll probably never realize that you spent an hour on your hair with the flat iron or that you’re wearing that expensive lip plumper to give you those Angelina Jolie lips; he’ll think that you roll out of bed looking exactly that wonderful… and trust me, he’ll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how to test his theory.

Shopping is a fantastic way to show a guy that he’s in danger of becoming a friend, it’s also a great way to show a man how great you look in various clothes and as an added bonus, you’ve got someone to carry your purchases through the mall for you.  You can use these tips anywhere but, I’ll be using a shopping trip to illustrate some ways to show a guy that dreaded wasteland of friend zone.

Personal space for a friend is markedly different from that of a potential love interest but there are similarities in body language that will keep him off balance and make him continually wonder where he stands with you.  These things are a little bit harder to describe but in the interest of sharing my hard earned knowledge with my fellow Alpha Chicks, I’ll give it a try.  There are parts of the body that are inherently sensual and suggestive without being outright sexual, the inside of the wrist and just about anywhere on your neck are the two that spring directly to mind.  Waiting until that sale in the electronics section has gotten his attention and touch his wrist to bring his focus back to where it should be… on you.  The contact should seem natural and should only last for a few seconds before you point out that phenomenal shoe store across the hall.  See?  Your intent wasn’t intimate, you’re just naturally that hot and it wasn’t you flirting, you were just trying to get his attention.  There’s another move I use that for lack of a better term I’ll call ‘the bump’; I sidle up to my guy friend at something like a rack of clothing and while my attention is seemingly focused on what my hands are doing, I will gently nudge him over a few inches with my body.  Alpha Chicks please be aware, I don’t mean you should hip-check him into the shoe display; it’s a subtle pressure with one side of your body.  He’s between you and the sale; you’re not touching him to show interest, you’re just trying to see if they have this skirt in your size!

Men are simple creatures; their conversations with other men are usually pretty straightforward and to the point.  There’s not too much subtlety in their conversations with their friends so you can use this to your advantage.  Tell him that he’s such a great friend, ask for his advice with that guy you’re dating, but while you’re doing this make eye contact and smile as though you truly think that he may have the answer to this problem.  While he’s giving advice he’ll be thinking, “oh hell, I’m ‘that guy’… I’m in friend zone… she’s asking me for relationship advice”. Most guys will immediately start suggesting that you date them and my advice is do not take this bait, no matter how much you want this man, you’ve just spent a lot of time and effort convincing him that he’s your buddy, keep him off balance a bit longer with how you’d love to but you just couldn’t be that kind of horrible girl to date him while you’re seeing so-and-so.  He’ll get the impression that you’re a sweet, honest girl who doesn’t play games in her relationships. *cough cough*

Keep in mind that the friend zone ploy is a full-time thing, when you get home you can change into one of those comfortable shirts (I like VS’s sleep shirts because they’re slightly sheer and they’re made of a fabric that clings to your body except to a guy, it looks like you’re wearing some old over sized t-shirt.)  Again you’re still trying to look as though all of this is accidental, you can’t help that he’s attracted to you, right?  That’s his problem, not yours… you don’t see him as anything but a friend and this is what you wear when no one else is around, you’re so comfortable with him you don’t see him as a man, he’s equivalent to a female friend.  I’ve left boyfriends in this type of holding pattern for ages, trained them to the point where they’ve fallen asleep in the same bed with me while watching movies and been afraid to make a move.  After three months of this treatment any guy will be ecstatic at the mere suggestion that you might date him, pull this off correctly and he’ll be more than your loyal boyfriend, he’ll be your lapdog for life.

This tactic is not for the weak or faint of heart, because you have to hold off on kissing, making out and sex with a friend zone candidate before he gets the coveted ‘dating’ status it does require a good measure of resolve and it’s easy for the untrained woman to veer off into the slut or tease category.  Those are two things you’re trying to avoid, shoot for innocent girl next door and he’ll be hooked. The friend zone technique is a great chance for him to get to see what a fantastic catch you really are and you should use this to your full advantage, show him you’ve got a brain, meet him intellectually and throw in a good helping of accidental sex kitten, it works.  By the time you’re “done” with your real or imaginary love interest you’ve been telling him about, he’ll be jumping through flaming hoops of death for a shot at a date and you’ll probably know everything about him that’s worth knowing.

In a late night discussion with a close girlfriend I suggested she play a little bit shady with a gentleman she’s currently dating.  Her first reply was a scandalized “Oh no, that’s just dirty pool, I couldn’t do that…”

One of the most often misquoted lines in dating magazines is John Lyly’s “The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war”, or in the vulgar “All’s fair in love and war”.  Misquoted literature aside this is one of the main laws of dating, the gloves come off and every aspiring Alpha Chick should remember that no man ever cried “Boo, hoo” before he went and tried to break some girl’s heart.  Why should we agonize over our own dirty little tricks when most of it is just used to keep us even?  This is the site that says all the things that most glamour magazines want to say but fear if they do, they’ll alienate half of their kinder, gentler, turn-the-other-cheek readers.  My personal philosophy is that we all need to take a more realistic view of certain things.  Denying that these tactics work is foolish. You don’t have to embrace them but all women should file them away into their personal arsenal because you just never know when you’ll meet a man who will cause a sudden change of heart.

In my daily tip for the next few days I’ll share a few tricks that have worked for me;

Present a challenge. Someone once told me that beautiful women should be complimented on their mind and intelligent women on their beauty.  The same holds true for men, they’re not less susceptible to someone preying on their vanity, if anything they’re more desperate to have their ego stroked than most women I know.  Case in point; when I noticed the good looking , womanizing bartender at a local nightclub was watching me I quickly instructed all of my friends to tell him I wasn’t interested in him because I only date intellectuals.  Sure enough, when Summer went to the bar, he pulled her aside and asked about me.  Like a true friend she brushed off his inquiry saying “Oh, her?  No, you don’t have a chance.  You’re not smart enough, she only dates intellectuals.”  That was it for him; he spent the next three months tripping over his feet in a vain attempt to prove he was bright enough to date me.   With a few key suggestions to my wing-girls I earned myself  months of free nights at the opera, theatre and art shows, along with the arm candy to match.  If you’ve absolutely just got to have his attention, find the area he’s most insecure about and use that to pique his interest but try to present a light, playful challenge.  No one will play a game that they know they have no chance at winning, I find it works best if you present the angle of ‘Well, I would be interested… but…’  That single word ‘but’ will make them crazy, trust me.  One of the best places to be in with dating is, in the lead.  If you put yourself in a position where they’re following you instead of vice versa, you’re likely to keep that lead throughout the relationship.  Alpha chicks have not only acknowledged but embraced this fact and use it to their advantage.

Tomorrow, we explore just how far men will go to avoid the dreaded friend-zone and the best way to exploit this trait.

Wow, this Alpha Chick went off the deep end.  I wonder if he deserved it?

Wow, this Alpha Chick went off the deep end. I wonder if he deserved it?

I was replying to one of the articles on this site when I realized that my comment alone would be enough to fuel its own heated debate.

“… Often my guy friends will come to me and ask me to translate something that their girlfriend has said or done. I invariably find that the reason for the bad behavior of their girl is rooted in something heinous that the guy has done. I’m a firm believer that behind every psycho-ex-girlfriend, there is the jerk of a guy that brought out the worst in her. Believe me, I’ve had my own moments of bad behavior, some I am truly ashamed of and others I feel are totally deserved. It’s not revenge, it’s Karma the fast track way.”

 I don’t know what it is about women but revenge on bad ex-boyfriends is one of our favorite over drinks topics.  I’ve heard about Nair being put in shampoo, sugar in gas tanks; which as it turns out does indeed work, just not immediately.  I’ve heard of ways to disguise your phone number, names and epithets carved into leather upholstery, social networking being hacked, tales of ruined vacations and spoiled new relationships.  Most relationship magazines won’t condone the age old tradition of getting even before you move on, I personally feel that if done the right way it can not only be humorous but in some cases even healthy.

 First of all I suppose I should say that I don’t think women should go around exacting their pound of flesh for any guy who ever stood them up or broke a promise.  Revenge should be reserved for those rare instances where some guy feels he is out of the reach of karma, the habitual douche bag whose M.O. never changes and he rattles off the same game to girl, after girl.  When you are unfortunate enough to run into one of them, they generally act in such a way that they’re just painting a giant target across the chest of their Affliction shirt.   Sometimes you just shouldn’t be the bigger person because that’s exactly what some jerks are banking on you doing.  No one wants to be “that girl” but every once in a while you meet someone who plays Mickey to your Mallory.

 Alpha Chicks, let’s hear your best (and worst) tales of revenge!

I am about to tell you ladies one of the most important dating concepts.  This has not only helped me get over many, many breakups, but it is a common mistake all women have made, especially when we are young or first start to date.  Women are creatures of many emotions.  When we date a guy we go throw a million emotions – we’re happy, smitten, in love, in like, frustrated, confused, sad, angry, irritated… but there is one emotion that rules them all.  This is something that took me many years of dating to realize, and when I did, it was an epiphany.  The heavens opened up and the world was right again.  I now had the ability to overcome any breakup because I could now identify, understand, and control what it was I was feeling.

So many women, have felt so many things after a breakup- so many feelings that they have trouble figuring out how to describe them we label it love, or heartache.  Some people may even call it depression.  Its a physical pain, so strong and overwhelming that it can physically and mentally disable us.   This feeling has waged war in history, it has destroyed nations, brought kings to their knees, and it has turned the most level-headed of women, into raging lunatics.  When you have the ability to control this emotion, you will be one amazing Alpha Chick.  Do you know what it is yet?  Pride.

So many women confuse pride for love, heartache or depression, but I assure you it is completely the opposite.  Some people even confuse anger with pride.  While it still creates that physical heaviness in your chest – 95% of breakups in your lifetime hurt because of pride, and not love or heartache or anger.

The dictionary defines pride as a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.  Injuring a person’s pride is a low blow to our sense of self-worth.

One definition of pride in the first sense comes from St. Augustine “the love of one’s own excellence”. In this sense, the opposite of pride is humility. Pride is sometimes viewed as excessive or as a vice, sometimes as proper or as a virtue. While some philosophers such as Aristotle consider pride a profound virtue, most world religions consider it a sin.

Its when we feel like someone has pulled one over on us, taken a stab at our self-esteem, and has gotten a “one-up” on us.  Pride is the stuff that psycho ex girlfriends are made of.  It is all one big game and when a person takes a blow to their pride they are devastated.  Pride is how we define who we are, and what we are worth.  The girls with the most pride are the ones that fall the hardest.  Sometimes its so painful and frustrating, we even cry because our pride hurts.

How do we tell the difference between pride and love?

To understand pride, you need to first understand love.  What is Love?  (as Haddaway starts playing in the background) – a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.  Ok, now what is love really? It’s an amazing, altruistic, emotion of affection and attachment to a person.  You love a person when you will give up everything you have to make them happy.  When they mean as much to you as you do to yourself.  When you will stop what’s going on in your life just to be there for them.  I’m not talking about those crazy girls that are infatuated, and will let their life go to hell, do anything for a guy because they are needy, have low self-esteem, or just want to be liked.  I’m talking about a relationship so great that just thinking about them makes you feel amazing.  You love a person, when you cannot live without them.  When the world is better, just because they are there.  Its not the same as “being in love” which is more of an emotional infatuation.

How do we know its pride?

  • Have you ever heard stories of girls getting their boyfriends back just so they can be the one to break up with them?  Its pride.  Sometimes pride can become such a desperate task to settle the score, or get a one up on the person who has hurt our pride.  This is why we take guys back just to dump them.  We want that “on-up.”
  • Pride is the girl that is torturing her exboyfriend.  After being dumped, if you find self-satisfaction, or even relief in making your exboyfriend suffer – you’re not in agony because you loved him, its pride.  When the damage is done, and our self worth has hit rock bottom, we find an amazing comfort in manipulation and torture.
  • When being the “puppet master”, making your boyfriend jump through hoops, or going out of your way to lead him on when you know that you have no desire to get back with him is just you finding relief for your pride.  Watching him be emasculated raises your self-worth and superiority over him.  When you feel much better because you got even, or got a one up – you are suffering from a bad case of pride.
  • When you are crying your eyes out over a guy you knew for a short period of time, you are suffering from pride.  You can’t love someone in weeks or months.  Real love takes longer.  Injured pride is this blow to our self-esteem and we feel really down in the dumps.  You don’t want this guy back, I assure you – its just a bad case of pride, and you not wanting to be alone.
  • Pride is when we are paralyzed by a longer relationship that wasn’t that good.  Pride is why girls cry over jerks.  I get so frustrated at my girlfriends for this all the time.  When they cry and cry over a jerk that they dated I ask them this simple question, “Why are you so upset over a douchebag like that?  What is it about your relationship that was so great that you are suffering so much?  And they NEVER have an answer for me.  When the hysterics stop – they come to realize that they are pouring their eyes out over a mediocre to crappy relationship.  Crying over a guy who treated them like crap, lied, cheated, used them for sex, only came around when it was convienient.  They realize eventually realize that it’s not love- its pride that is paralyzing them.  Its low self-esteem, or a blow to their self-esteem(and pride) that they aren’t good enough, again, that he got a “one-up” on them.  I always ask them how good the guy really made them feel, and all they can talk about is the times they felt bad.  They are not crying because they lost this amazing guy that did the most amazing things for them made them feel loved, made them feel beautiful, or whole.  They are crying over PRIDE.
  • Why girls go back to assholes.  Even girls with good self-esteem will go back to assholes over pride.  Usually it’s just until they can control the guy, make him suffer, and get him right where they want him – then after he suffers – they’re out.  If he gets another “one-up” on her- which, given enough time – if he did it once, he’ll do it again, it becomes a vicious cycle of this need to hurt his pride.
  • Pride is why girls get upset when a guy doesn’t call after a one night stand.  (I have no pity for girls who give away the milk for free.)
  • Pride is why we get jealous when our ex is dating a new girl.  Not because we still love them and want them back.
  • Pride is why we play cat and mouse with our ex boyfriends who are tap dancing around the idea of possibly getting a second chance.  We don’t want to get them back.  But we want them to think we do, we want the ego boost, we want the home field advantage, the “one-up”
  • Pride is why girls slash tires and cause major social trouble for their exboyfriends. Its the driving force behind revenge and the fuel for crazy women.
  • Pride is when your “feelings” get hurt.  It’s not your heart getting hurt 95% of the time, its your pride.
  • Pride is when we become obsessive over a break up, and start playing head games.  Trying to make the guy jealous, or crying, begging and pleading to get a guy back that deep down you know either just doesn’t want you or doesn’t really like you. Ohhh the games that we play.

Are you understanding it yet?  When our pride is hurt it does a number on our self-esteem.  Its distracting, its upsetting.  Sometimes it hurts so much that we cry.  But don’t EVER confuse it with love.   Because when it is love, when it is your heart – you will just be in a sad, passive and submissive state.  You won’t have feelings of anger and poor self-esteem.  You won’t think about things like revenge, head games and making your ex suffer.  You won’t think about how you can manipulate or trick him into loving you again, or getting him back.  When its love that hurts, you will just be exhausted, and devastated, but you will not feel range or anger, and you’ll take no ill actions against that guy to level the playing field or get your one-up.

How to control your pride: Pride can be one of the most useful tools in an Alpha Chick’s artillery.  Understanding the difference between love and pride will save you hours, days, and weeks of crying, loathing, embarrassment and self pity.  In order to get over pride sometimes you have to really take a step back and ask yourself a few important questions:

  • Who the hell is this guy?  Is he somebody? The president, a celebrity? Is he anybody? Did he lie, cheat? Is he shady?
  • What does he do for a living, and is he really doing anything amazing with his life?
  • Is cutting off contact with this jerk going to affect my social life?  Like – does he know my employers, friends, ect.
  • What the hell was I pining over?  Did he really care about me or do anything to go out of his way or make me feel special?
  • Would I feel better if he suffered?  (haha I love that question)
  • Do I really see myself with him, or do I just want to get my “one-up?”

How Alpha Chicks put pride to good use:

  • We know that understanding pride prevents heartache.
  • We know that we are too good to let any guy get a one up.
  • We know how to bail from a sinking ship.
  • Pride gives us the ability to  ignore or blow off a guy who has wronged us will make him suffer, and with every desperate text message, phone call, or email, we feel a little self “one-up”satisfaction.  I promise you its a lot more prestigious, mature and self satisfying than actually picking up the phone and telling him he’s a douche.  Getting that horrible reaction out of your is not getting your one up.  Letting him suffer, while you act rigid, composed and unaffected by his antics is the best way to keep a guy at your mercy.
  • Pride will allow alpha chicks to NOT act like a desperate, crying, crazy girl.  We know that the guy is not worth our begs and pleas.  It allows us to identify that we are not really upset because we loved him, but because our pride took a blow  We know that with poise and patience, we will get our “one-up” because every DOG has his day.
  • Pride helps us walk away from douchebags.  Realizing and demanding early that you deserve respect and to be treated like royalty – and taking nothing but the best, all or nothing- or you are out the door.
  • Pride is what keeps an alpha chick from being a “one-night” stand.  We have too much pride to let some guy we barely know get a “one-up” on us and run the possibility of not calling the next day.  Be a tease all you want, feed your ego, but keep your legs closed until you are certain that you aren’t just a place for a guy to blow his load.
  • Pride is what gives us the self-worth we need to get over any guy. By knowing you deserve better, and always keeping yourself one up over your guy.  It allows Alpha women to get even, get revenge, and get ahead – in the classiest and most self satisfying ways possible.  Most guys won’t even know that you are the cause of their suffering and anguish.
  • Pride is what can stop you from looking weak in front of a guy, breaking down or giving him the reaction he is looking for.  You have too much self-worth to give him the self-satisfaction of ever seeing you break down in front of him.  Walk away, run but don’t ever let him see  you cry.
  • Pride is how we get guys to commit.  We won’t tolerate a man who is playing the field.  We know we are sought after and desired – our pride won’t let us settle for a guy that is any less than all into us.
  • Pride is what makes an Alpha Chick demand respect from her man.  It allows us to speak our mind, ask for what we want, and not to ever back down.  Because we know that we deserve the best, pride makes it easy to walk away from a guy that won’t comply with our needs and demand.
  • Pride is what keeps an Alpha Chick one step ahead of every man.

So in conclusion – what I am saying is understand that when you are crying and loathing in self pity over a guy, its not because you are heart-broken, its because your pride took a blow.  When you act crazy, and seek out revenge or act  of desperation to get your man back – its not because he is the love of your life, its because your pride and self-esteem are temporarily damaged.  Shake it off, slap yourself in the face and get over it and ask yourself why you are wasting another second crying over a bad relationship with a pretty crappy guy.  Don’t think that its the best you can do- because its not.  Have lots of pride and know you deserve to get what you want.  It’s ok to be proud.  Alpha women have a lot of pride in themselves.  Put yours to good use and tell losers to get lost.  Let your pride get in the way of every situation to remind yourself that you are the one that deserves the best, and that you are the one that should be in control.  Being able to understand your pride, manage it, and use it positively is the KEY to not getting hurt by a guy.  When you understand the difference between pride and heartache, I promise you will spend much less time crying over men, and much more time being confident, happy and getting nothing less than the best.

Stay Proud Ladies!

-The Alpha Chick

P.S. Grab yourself a subscription to our blog ladies – soon to come are the secrets to staying one step ahead of your man, how to control any situation, and how to always get your “one-up”!

The Ex-Girl-“Friend”

Posted: July 1, 2010 by dawngiovanni in dating, dating advice, dating tips
Tags: ,

It happens to us all at some point, we meet someone who seems like a great guy and then as we get to know him we find out that he’s still friends with his ex-girlfriends!?!  Oh, the horror!  While it may be a bit unnerving at first there are a million reasons to stick with the guys who can remain friends with women from the past.

Think back to the last really awful break-up that you had; do you still talk to that guy who tried to stick your heart in a blender and hit frappe?  If you’re a smart Alpha chick, like I know you are, the answer is an emphatic “hell no”.  Of course you don’t want to waste your time with a guy who tried to play games; the logical way to look at this is that most women are the same way.  If a potential date has some truly heinous behavior then he just gets crossed off the list, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.  If his ex-girlfriends are still willing to talk to him, he probably has at least a few redeeming qualities.

If he can go through a break-up and still be on good terms with her then it shows that he has a certain level of maturity.  This is not a man that’s likely to show up at your door at four a.m. because he “just couldn’t stop thinking about you.” This isn’t the guy who takes revenge when things go wrong, your tires are safe and he’s not likely to post a Facebook message about your deepest darkest secrets either.  While these things make for amusing stories to tell over drinks with your girlfriends, it’s not something most people want to deal with in reality.

The truth is that sometimes people just don’t click.  He’s learned this and accepted that rather than waste time with someone who isn’t right for you; the obvious answer is to move along.  There are no hard feelings and the ability to accept that while he may not be the right one for her, she still has some great qualities as a person.  Why burn your bridges?

If you put a little perspective on it all the whole ex-girl’friend’ scenario isn’t as sinister as some women make it seem, when handled correctly it could mean that you’ve got an intelligent, secure guy who has his head on straight.  However, be alert for the warning signs; if he spends more of his cell phone minutes on her, than on you, that can be a sign of trouble ahead.  However unless she’s constantly the dreaded third wheel or her number starts making strange late-night appearances in his phone list, there’s probably not much to worry about with the ex.  Always keep in mind that there’s a reason someone is an ex.  Just be sure there are boundaries established and don’t be afraid to let him know if you think she’s overstepped the lines of friendship, just because they’re still friends doesn’t mean that you should have to worry.  A truly decent guy will be sure that there’s nothing going on that would jeopardize your relationship with him, he’ll be open and honest and if you express a concern he should be willing to address it immediately.  If there’s a noted lack of this then pick up and move along, if you want to date a jerk later then you know where to find him.